Saturday, June 13, 2009
Part of the life change we’ve recently experienced includes the need to let go of a lot of hurt and move forward. God has very graciously been giving me a little snippet of the pain to deal with each day. Never more than I can handle. Some days have been better than others, regarding my willingness to lay down that day’s snippet of pain at the foot of the cross.
One particularly difficult day, God brought me across one of my old journal entries that I found to be very encouraging. I thought it might encourage some of you as well:
Why is forgiveness so hard every time? And how is it that i seem so frequently to find myself in the position of needing to forgive someone? And since I’ve let so many things go in the past, I would think forgiveness ought to start getting easier. But it doesn’t. It’s really super hard, every time.
I’m sure it’s because I’m battling my flesh. My old self is still just as cranky as ever, so I’m sure it’s not going to come to a new battle and say, “Oh. This time I gladly surrender.” My flesh never wants that, and it will always fight against me.
Therefore, the only place to go is to the cross of Jesus Christ. I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
I can hear Your voice, Abba, saying, “Lay down your burden. I will carry you, my daughter.”
Indeed, there is a part of me, the spirit part, that desperately wants to lay my burden down. But there’s another part of me, the flesh part, that is full of fear.
Abba, in this situation, there is much to forgive. Ordinarily, I have held onto this type of pain for long periods of time. But in this case, I would like to lay it down. The task, for me, is insurmountable. But I would like all of this situation’s control over me to end.
So, Abba, I need You. I need Your power and strength. I need You to put forgiveness in my heart where there is none. I need You to heal me. I need You to do this for me because I can’t do it without You. I know You will sustain me and bless me and comfort and protect me. I know I am in the palm of Your hand.
Abba, I surrender.
I spoke in that journal entry about fear as an obstacle to forgiveness, but this current situation has taught me another obstacle I clung to. Arrogance. I placed myself above those who wronged me and judged them. I thought that because I was above reproach and didn’t fight back, somehow I was better than they are.
But there is none righteous, no not one. We are all in desperate need of God’s grace. It is imperative that I extend to my flawed fellow man the grace Almighty God extends to flawed me.
Extending that grace, and extending forgiveness by the power that raise Christ from the dead, sets me free.
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
1) Work all day.
2) After work, bring load of stuff from old house to new house.
3) Put kids to bed.
4) Fix two ceiling fans.
5) Stand around talking with spouse about where to hang 13 shelves, 4 mirrors, 1 fruit basket.
6) Hang 7 shelves, 2 mirrors, 1 fruit basket.
7) While hanging 8th shelf in boys’ room, use faulty shelf bracket that unexpectedly springs out of wall after installation.
8) Enter time warp while watching wooden board fall in slow motion from faulty shelf bracket and crash into fish tank on table below it.
9) Listen to sound of shattering glass.
10) Listen to sound of gushing water.
11) Watch twenty guppies escape onto table full of legos through hole in glass.
12) Hear one seven-year-old yell from nearby bed, “Save the fish! Save the fish!” over and over again.
13) Hear one five-year-old chant from nearby bed, “OhNoOhNoOhNoOhNoOhNo!” repeatedly while hyperventilating and bonking his head on underside of top bunk above him.
14) Usher both children from room as gallons of water and fish continue to spill onto table, carpet, toy bins and legos.
15) Empty giant tub of Duplo blocks onto carpet in bedroom doorway and use empty bin to catch remaining water and fish.
16) Go downstairs at 10 pm and ask landlords surrogate parents if they have shop vac.
17) Wheel super cool shop vac with super cool caddy from garage onto back deck through kitchen, upstairs to boys’ room.
18) Gratefully accept stack of towels and useful bucket from surrogate mom.
19) Pluck baby guppies out of carpet and throw them into remaining water in temporary Duplo bin home.
20) Settle boys in living room with unexpected treat of late night movie. Garfield Gets Real. For the fifteenth time in two days.
21) Get on hands and knees on soaking wet carpet and pick hundreds of miniscule legos out of broken glass and fish tank rocks. Put them in stainless steel bowl.
22) Find new box in which to put mountain of Duplo blocks now blocking path to saturated carpet.
23) Pick up Duplo blocks.
24) Remove dry filter from shop vac and use wet vac feature to suck as much water and fish tank rock out of carpet as possible. Repeat.
25) Move broken fish tank to bathtub.
26) Move Duplo bin of fish and water to bathtub.
27) Peer anxiously into Duplo bin to assess health of fish.
28) Poke hopelessly at sideways tetra, Barney, with index finger, turning him right side up.
29) Watch Barney roll over sideways again and attempt to swim diagonally through water.
30) Cover bedroom carpet with towels and walk all over them. Repeat.
31) Return shop vac to surrogate parents, grabbing bleach bottle from laundry room on the way back.
32) Put boys back to bed. Mistakenly allow them to view fish in temporary Duplo bin home.
33) Comfort wailing five-year-old as he grieves the passing of Barney the Tetra. Promise him a new Barney.
34) Ask seven-year-old to lower his voice as he proclaims matter-of-factly, in hysterical five-year-old’s hearing, that he’s sure some of the baby guppies didn’t survive.
35) Squint while reading fine print on back of bleach bottle for precise measuring instructions.
36) Develop headache trying to determine how much bleach to put in 3/4 gallon pitcher if equation is 3/4 cup bleach per gallon of water.
37) Mentally thank mother for 5th grade homeschool fraction training 22 years ago.
38) Pour bleach solution over legos in stainless steel bowl.
39) Grab Clorox disinfecting wipes and clean up splattered toy bins while waiting for legos to soak in bleach solution.
40) Rinse each lego creation under tap water. Sort legos from broken fish tank glass and throw glass away.
41) Spread extra large dish towel on living room floor.
42) Take apart each and every lego creation so pieces can air dry on dish towel overnight. Inadvertently swallow bits of bleach solution in the process.
43) Transfer fish from Duplo bin home to new temporary home: empty ceiling fan light globe from recently repaired ceiling fan.
44) Place ceiling fan light globe in saucepan to account for decorative bottom of globe that comes to point in center like spinning top. Cover globe to protect fish from enterprising cats. Place on high shelf.
45) Fall into numb stupor and laugh uproariously at premier of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.
46) Drift off to sleep during Pearl Jam song. Wake up during Episode 4 of Jimmy Fallon’s Seventh Floor West.
47) Stumble to bed.
48) Wake up to find five-year-old peering into face asking where fish are.
49) Groan, get out of bed, eat breakfast, get family together, drive to pet store.
50) Buy new fish tank, two new tetra (Barney and Fred) to replace one dead one, new fish tank rocks, new plastic fish tank plants, new plecostomus.
51) Do lots of other shopping. Drive home. Nearly set fish up in same spot.
52) Rethink that.
53) Quickly find safer location for fish, in living room completely devoid of untrustworthy shelving full of toy bins.
54) Rescue air-drying legos from underneath sleeping dog. Again.
55) Pour remaining live guppies from ceiling fan light globe home into stainless steel bowl.
56) Squint and wince while holding sandwich-sized ziplock bag partially full of water into which guppies are being unceremoniously flopped from fishnet. Pray no fish flop onto fingers. Ewwww…
57) Sneak with fishnet to bathroom, watching furtively for approaching children, and flush all dead fish down toilet.
58) Fill new aquarium with rocks, plastic plants, sunken treasure, sunken ship, and water.
59) Watch three bags of fish, one with two tetra, one with one plecostomus, and one with eighteen guppies, bob on top of fish tank water waiting to be acclimated.
60) Open bags, let fish into tank, and watch with satisfaction as they swim merrily to and fro in their brand new home.
61) Wash all containers exposed to yucky fish water.
62) Rehang fruit basket.
63) Hang 6 shelves, 2 mirrors.
64) Eat dinner, put boys to bed, sit exhausted on couch, and stare mesmerized at fish, wondering what happened to past twenty-four hours.
65) Blog about it.
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Monday, June 1, 2009
Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.
O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!
Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.
Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009
I’ve talked about our cat, Gracie. I use the term “our” rather loosely. When we moved into the house before this one, we found her living in the garage. After a while we realized she was eating our food. We tried to welcome her into the house, but she would have none of it. Super friendly to the church-goers, but always cranky at us.
We even rescued “her” from the pound once, only to discover it wasn’t her we were rescuing, and she’d been lazing away her day sleeping under the porch as usual while we’d run all over town trying to get her back.
Last winter, we had a cold snap with temperatures below freezing for several days, which is slightly abnormal for the area we live in. (Yes, I can hear you hearty winter folk laughing. I’m laughing with you. I grew up at Elevation: 1 Mile, with snow nine months of the year.)
During the cold snap, we found Gracie huddled in a pile of dirty laundry in our utility room. Again, we attempted to welcome her into the home, all proper-like, but the dirty laundry was all the closer she would venture to true warmth.
After that cold snap, Gracie slept on a dilapidated, old, down pillow I kept on the laundry room floor for her, even in warm weather. She continued to be ever-so-friendly to the rest of creation and all the church folk who landed in her territory, who never did a thing for her except pat her head, but she hissed at us and gave us the evil eye, while eating our food and sleeping on our pillow.
A neighbor dewormed her at one point and asked if she could keep her. We said yes. Then the neighbor moved and didn’t take her.
Then we moved.
So we decided to take her with us. God forbid she should have to return to the life of a stray, snacking on gourmet mice for her dinner instead of dry, sawdusty Ocean Fresh Friskies.
She was the last thing we packed, along with our old cat, Jack, who’s been with me longer than I’ve been married. Into a couple of moving boxes they went. We taped them down and cut a couple of air holes, and we even wrote the contents of each box on its exterior. “Jack.” “Gracie.” Then we drove them the twenty minutes to our new home.
Poor Gracie was beside herself. How dare we.
But we determined to kill her with kindness, so we showed her where the food was, showed her the litter box, showed her the special pillow we brought along just for her (which she will have nothing to do with), and spoke in our kindest, high-pitched kitty voices.
The morning after we arrived, she actually climbed up into my lap and needled at my shirt with her claws for a good ten minutes, marking her territory. I thought that was a good sign.
And then,
in true Gracie form,
after everything we’ve done for that little varmint,
she bit Jeff’s hand.
Yes, the hand that feeds her.
Not only did she bite Jeff’s hand, but she punctured his skin, deeply.
Jeff went online and found that the more a cat puncture wound bleeds, the better it will heal. We kept an eye on it for the evening, watching the red marks turn slowly black as no blood whatsoever oozed from them.
The next morning, Memorial Day, the back of Jeff’s hand was an inch taller than it should have been, and a nasty shade of purple.
Oh, bother.
And its being Memorial Day and all, Urgent Care was closed, and so were all the doctor’s offices. Even the county was closed, where Jeff could have gone for a tetanus shot.
We watched the swelling visibly increase for half an hour or so, and about the time Jeff explained to me that if he kept his hand above his heart it only hurt a little but when he dropped it down it throbbed excruciatingly, we decided it would be best for all concerned if he got it treated.
So he hopped in his truck, and off to the ER he went. Sheesh. Happy Memorial Day.
At the ER, the doctor gave Jeff two shots of antibiotics right off the bat, because, he said, oral antibiotics would not respond quickly enough to get Jeff out of danger. Out of danger?! What?!
Then he wrote Jeff a prescription for Augmentin, an antibiotic our pharmacist friend says is pretty dang potent, and sent him on his merry way. After taking his antibiotics faithfully for four days, the swelling is almost gone. But not quite.
So… let’s recap. Gracie loves everyone in the world and hates us. We feed her, we provide a warm place for her to sleep, we try to embrace her as a family member. She runs away, she glares at us, she hisses at us, and finally, she poisons my husband, intending, I am sure, to take his life.
Can I continue to extend grace to Gracie, even after this?
Pondering this murderous thought (my friend suggested we turn Gracie into tacos), I happened upon the following verse in my daily Bible reading: “A righteous man has regard for the life of his animal…” (Proverbs 12:10a).
Hmph.
Yeah, but…
What about the animal having regard for the life of his master? Come on!
But you and I are no different, are we? We had no regard for the life of our Master. He was despised and rejected. By us. By you and me.
How many times have we loved the world while hissing at God?
How many times have we taken what we want of grace without giving ourselves totally to Jesus Christ?
How many times have we been drawn to our Abba Father, only to show Him our fangs and attempt to bite the palm of His hand, in which we should be gently resting?
And how many times has our loving Abba responded by loving us, and forgiving us, and longing to set us free from our self-made prisons to dwell forever in the light of His glorious grace?
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I didn’t get a chance to post about Memorial Day, what with cat bites, ER visits, mazes of moving boxes and all. So I’m taking the liberty of celebrating Memorial Week with a poignant poem and photo sent to me by my Marine Captain cousin.
It is the veteran, not the preacher
who has given us freedom of religion.
It is the veteran, not the reporter
who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the veteran, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the veteran, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is the veteran, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the veteran, not the politician,
who has given us the right to vote.
It is the veteran who salutes the Flag.
It is the veteran who serves under the Flag.
Eternal rest grant them, O Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon them.
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